03 July 2009

The Boys of Sonic Summer

Too good not to spread around;
from Our Man in the Lone Star State:

The Composer All-Star Baseball Team - scouting report

[2B] Edvard Grieg — his miniatures almost all go for singles, but they make him a consistent threat to reach base
[CF] Antonin Dvořák — a smallball player extraordinaire, his chamber game is a major boost
[3B] Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart — a true hit machine
[LF] Ludwig van Beethoven — the ideal cleanup hitter, because he sweeps the board
[1B] Gustav Mahler — his at-bats are usually either monster home runs or strikeouts
[RF] Maurice Ravel — he can orchestrate a rally like no other guy on the team
[SS] Johannes Brahms — dashing young slugger who has mellowed with age
[C] Sergei Prokofiev — a clubhouse favorite, his nickname is “The Expecting Peregrine”1.

Pitching Rotation:
[SP] Franz Schubert — don’t let the boyish looks and glasses fool you. His mind is a steel trap and his fastball hits 960, er, 96
[SP] Dmitri Shostakovich — he can pitch in any genre, and gets even better under pressure
[SP] Richard Wagner — the workhouse has what it takes to pitch four hours every night for a week
[SP] Franz Liszt — all power and no control, Liszt can throw 101 but who knows where it’ll go
[SP] Anton Bruckner — he can hardly throw over 70 mph, but will still outlast any foe

Relief Corps:
[RP] John Dowland — the lute-handed specialist or LOOGY
[RP] Johann Strauss jr — in case the situation is getting too serious
[RP] Steve Reich — he has just one pitch that he throws in a thousand different ways
[RP] Igor Stravinsky — dubbed the “Rite of October” for outstanding postseason play
[CLOSER] Georg Philip Telemann — he could keep throwing and throwing and throwing forever

[CATCHER] Max Reger — skilled at working with the more dour Germanics in the pitching staff
[FIRST BASE/OUTFIELD] G. F. Handel — he’d still be starting if it weren’t for his weight problem
[MIDDLE INFIELD] George Gershwin — platoons with Brahms, batting against elitist teams, whom he baffles
[OUTFIELD] Antonio Vivaldi — the Red-Headed Menace produces big hits in a pinch
[OUTFIELD] Claude Debussy — easily distracted by clouds or playing by the sea
[UTILITY] Edward Elgar — used as a defensive replacement in losing battles2.

Coach/Manager: Johann Sebastian Bach
Retired Player: Jean Sibelius. Quit before the eighth game of the season.
Sent to Minor Leagues: Hector Berlioz. Off-the-field issues - missed games while pining for some girl or another.
Suspended for Using Artificial Performance-Enhancing Substances: Mykola Ovsianiko-Kulikovsky

1. N.B. Peregrinus Expectati is, in fact, actually gibberish

2. N.B. This is a joke about Victorian England, NOT about Elgar’s compositional talent

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